Life is messy.
It doesn't seem to line up neatly or nicely and it rarely uses its inside voice.
But God knows that.

Matthew 16:25--"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it."

I used to guard my life. I had read so many marriage books and knew exactly what I wanted. I had my dream and my goals and my boundaries for our perfect life together. Date night was sacred. If people knocked on our dorm room door on Friday they were turned away, every time. It was date night. If our apartment was messy I locked the door. No one was going to join our lives when there was clutter and mayhem about. A friend told me that having the same bedtime was the sure sign of a solid marriage and that some horrendous % of couples who didn't go to bed at the same time would divorce. I argued and fought for an iron clad bedtime even though my Hubby does his best work at night and I have morphed myself into an early bird over the years. But life happens all around us in its spread out winding way and I realized that the man and the job and the friends and the ministry that I had been planted into did not mesh well with all of my carefully laid walls.

I am learning to let go. When unexpected friends arrive, date night can be moved. When the dog has left muddy paw prints up the stairs and the boys are melting tree sap to make their own glue at the dinning room table, people can be entertained in the living room with bowls of popcorn and a picnic blanket on the floor. I can still connect with my man for coffee and an episode of Psyche even if I hit the sack at 9:00 and he doesn't wander in until 1:00 or 2:00. And if hurting campers or discouraged camp counselors happen to knock on our door at 12:30 at night I am learning to wipe the sleep from my eyes, snag my Bible, and stumble out of bed to see what they need. God told us that if we guard our hearts and perfect lives we will lose everything. And He was right. As I have lost my perfect little lined up world, real life has crept in and taken over. Like the massive trunk and spreading branches of a bayou willow leaning over a quiet pool, it is in the curls and turns and baffling twists of life that one finds a most glorious beauty.

Thank you Lord for warning me. For teaching me to let go so that I did not wall myself away from all that is lovely in your world. Thank you for helping me to live.



Photo by Kristen Joy Wilks

In my life, God has been a crafty landowner.

I was reading Matthew 25:26 the other day, not most people's favorite Bible verse, and I realized that what I had always thought was poetic license on Jesus' part actually illustrated something profound that I myself have experienced.

"So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed?"

This is from the parable of the talents and I always just skipped over it thinking that surely this sentence had no baring upon the nature of God. I mean how could it? God isn't a sneaking cheat of a farmer...is He?

Did God plant all of the seeds in my life from which He has taken a harvest?

Did He urge my Jr. High schoolmates to be consistently thoughtless and cruel?
Did He strike my Father down when I was only 14 years old?
Did He decree a pattern of drug and alcohol abuse for a loved one and then toss that troubled family member into my path?
Did God handpick every struggle and heartache that has darkened our paths?

Honestly, I don't think so.

And yet a harvest has come from every one of these malignant seeds. A mighty harvest that God has not been too proud to gather up.

As I read Matthew 25 today and see myself in the three servants who were left behind, whom their master has invested with, I realize that He cheated. He is scouring my story for a harvest, and He will gather every ill-gotten gain with joy. He has made His kingdom by tricking the enemy and you know what? I love Him for it.



Photo by Africa@www.freedigitalphotos.net

The other day I received a fabulous compliment. Like a heinous insult, a fabulous compliment is often not altogether true. Just as a person who despises you cannot see into the inner depths of your heart to the humanity within, the person who respects you has not seen all of your failings and foibles. But even knowing that it was not necessarily true, the fabulous compliment was wonderful to hear and has taught me something ever so important.

I have been worried about all of the wrong things.

On any given weekend the Hunky Hubby will have convinced 4-8 dishwashers, assistant cooks, relatives, long lost friends, and random strangers to risk the slippery mountain roads and travel up to our house in order to play board games far into the reaches of the night after the campers have begun to slumber. This haphazard collection of guys begins to trickle into our home in the late afternoon as my husband is still rushing around the camp facilitating the arrival of another rental group. I have long since ceased my feeble attempts to have our um...very child friendly house in pristine condition before they arrive. I try to smile and look over the mountains of Legos to welcome them and keep myself from cringing in shame if they happen to get entangled in a mountain of toy trucks or trapped in a morass of occupied bug jars.

A young man who is very dear to us came up to say goodbye the other day. We have stayed in his Mother's gloriously tidy and artfully decorated home and have even had the privilege of bringing a little bit of crazy to his own military perfect abode with an overnight visit. He is a very good friend, but a part of me always saw fleeting glimpses of his mother's glowingly perfect house when I saw him struggle through the rampaging little boys and slobbering dog to get to our collection of board games.

But as he was saying his goodbyes he gave me this fabulous compliment and I realized that he really truly didn't see me as the woman with the dirty dishes and the jar of Gardner snakes on the counter. He saw me as the wife of his friend. Someone who smiled and shrugged and let him in the door when he showed up with an armload of board games and his pillow. The woman who gave her husband a kiss goodnight and said: "Have fun, I guess I'll see you at 3:00am when the last game of 'Princess Ryan's Star Marines' winds down."

Oh, the compliment wasn't true. He'd missed our arguments, all of our negotiations.

The Hunky Hubby--"I'll give you five hours of reading alone at the bagel shop and a new e-book if we can move date night to Monday and play Battle Star Galactica until dawn."

Yours Truly--"Deal, but only if you throw in some dark chocolate and a back rub."

But it made me realize that I had been awfully close to abandoning God's work in my life for the sake of appearing sane and put together. Part of me was certain that God's fruit was really: Tidy, Organized, Strict, Sane, Well-Dressed, Gourmet Cooked, Sanitized, There On Time, and Flossed with Lip Gloss. Somewhere inside I thought that those other disturbing fruits really should not be cultivated or attempted until this first list was perfected. But this young man's faulty and fabulous compliment forced me to admit that yeah, God was right all along. Not only do love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control matter most to Him, they actually matter most to those around us as well. This young man probably did notice the horrendous state of our abode, but what he really cared about was 6 hours of quality time with my husband fighting aliens and conquering the world.



Picture by debspoons@www.freedigitalphotos.com

Have you ever wanted to protect your children, your husband, your friends, even yourself? I was looking through an old Bible that my mother gave me awhile back and found a verse that gave me a completely different view on protecting those I love.

Proverbs 14:26--"He who fears the LORD has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge."

Ok, if you have heard as many sermons on "The Fear of the Lord" as I have, then you will know that there are many many nuances to this small collection of words. It has to do with ultimate respect, viewing God as the highest power, setting one's priorities so that God is always at the top, and the chain of command in our lives. And because Christ came to cleanse us and usher us unscathed into the throne room of God, some of that deep primal terror of being in the presence of something so powerful and Holy has eased. But I think that one facet of "The Fear of the Lord" is still actual mind numbing, gut wrenching, limb freezing fear.

What would my life look like if I actually feared God? Part of that is certainly seeing Him as my commanding officer and putting my priorities in line. But doesn't even that have an element of fear?
You obey the general because you trust his judgement and his expertise and you know that he will bust your butt so fast you won't even be able to spit straight if you cross him.

God is the gentle lamb, slain to cleanse the atrocities of the human race. And God is the furious creator of the universe and all that is therein, matchless and mighty and beyond compare. All of creation speaks of Him. He is the quiet meadow filled with pine lilies and spring beauties. He is the rocky peak that stretches into the sky, deadly those who seek to scale it. He is God.

And if I fear Him, I have a secure fortress, and a refuge for my sons.

If I truly feared God would I grumble at my neighbors, snap at my husband, and gripe at my children as I rush them into the car for church? God's word is very clear about His expectations: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control.

If I were to remember that my Lord is the fierce and furious Creator of all, I would think twice before sullying His world with my hate, bitterness, strain, impatience, cruelty, bad humor, changeability, harshness, and angry outbursts. If I feared God, then the gentleness of the Lamb would be alive in my world. The ferociousness of the Almighty and the quiet power of the Lamb, the nudges of the Spirit all conspire together to make us more than we could ever be alone.

When I fear for those precious souls whom I love, there is a solution.

Fear God.

Every life that touches mine will be better for my momentary terror.
I will have provided a secure fortress for them, a refuge from all that I am without God.






Photo by Vichaya Kiatying-Angsulee @freedigitalphotos.net

Some seasons are dry. I look at my accomplishments, or lack thereof. I see my house with the muddy fingerprints on the light switches, creative artwork in permanent ink, and our dubious collection of frogs and sticks. I peruse all of the writing that I have done that no one wants to buy. And I keep marching along beside my Lord and wonder why I can't feel close like we did last week...or month...or...

But God is well aware of our frailties, of the ebb and flow of our lives. In fact He makes the most of those dry times, those aching lonely stretches between the showers. It was pointed out in Bible study this week that if one floods a garden with constant rain, the plants will die. We need the bright and beautiful, but to grow to become more than we were, less snippy and more patient, more about the heart and not the dollar, slower to anger and quicker to love, we need those dry times. For that is when we grow.

God knows this. That we are not always on a roll. That sometimes we just shrivel up inside. That at times I look at the branches of my tree and don't see the huge crop of fruit that He told me would come and I despair. That is why He gave us verses like this.

Psalm 1:3--"He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever He does prospers."

James 5:7-8--"Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord's coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the Autumn and Spring rains. You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord's coming is near."

He sees a success, a tree with roots down deep into Him, even though the fruit comes only with time and care and in season. And He wants us to hang on and keep in step with Him in the struggle, for glories await at the end.

He loves, He understands, and He is working.





Photo by prozac1@www.freedigitalphotos.net

I've sat through a lot of sermons in my 34 years on Earth. After all, my Dad was a pastor and then a Camp Director. My husband is also a camp director and I have accompanied him on numerous occasions to hear him or someone else preach. Then there are the Sunday sermons at our church and the camp chapel times and the Bible studies...a lot of sermons.

But it is not often that I sit cringing in my seat overcome with mortification and conviction. Sure, I've experienced my fare share of conviction, just not the cringing and overcome with mortification kind. I don't drink or smoke or remove the Christ from Christmas. I haven't been divorced or had an abortion or spent my weekends picketing at the graves of soldiers. But that was not the case on Bible study night last week.

The text was James 4:11--"Brothers, do not slander one another..."

Now normally when Beth Moore gets all riled up in a Bible study video and tells the audience, "Don't Do It!" She stops and talks about how she was the chief of sinners and understands you and has herself rushed to the throne of grace on more than one occasion.

Not this time. Nope, she layed into us with a fierce and heavy hand. Now I was alright for the first part. I don't make fun of other believers on purpose. I don't laugh at folks who raise their hands in church or draw mean cartoons of people rushing to the alter to repent. But then she went on. "Don't be a cynic!"

"Um...what's wrong with being a cynic?" I wondered. Christians disapoint me, all the time. I need to be hardened and ready so I'm not caught off guard. And the video Beth explained, in no uncertain terms. And I sat in my seat convicted and ashamed. Ashamed for the times I laugh when there is something misspelled on the powerpoint, or when a preacher uses a verse out of context and I shut down, or when a speaker doesn't know that the ancient Assyrians considered the violent acts that Jonah asked them to repent of as acts of worship to their terrible god, and so I discount everything else that speaker says. For those times I cringe after seeing another believer on TV, or grumble at a misguided individual who is trying to evangelize me and refuses to believe that I am in fact a Christian.

Apparently I am a cynic, and there were no pauses in the video presentation to explain how Beth has been there too. Nope, just fire and brimstone. Then she pounded in her point with a story about camping with her husband, which helped me to understand.

Beth didn't get a lot of sleep on their outdoor adventure because the camper was rocked back and forth all night by bears trying to get at their dogs. Finally when the darkness receded and daylight shone down upon them once more, Beth went out to enjoy the sunshine...and was attacked by some hummingbirds. "You expect to be attacked by the bears," she said. "But the hummingbirds?"


Photo by Ambro@www.freedigitalphotos.net